This past week has turned out to be an accumulation to a life lesson. Where I thought I was just cranking out some hours, I was being more closely observed than someone just making sure work was getting done. Instances of my disrespect were being noted in order to powerfully convey their implications right to my core. I was invited to dinner last night where I proceeded to get schooled.
I failed, plain and simple. A roof over my head at no cost, steady work, flexible hours. All of this is above and beyond for an offer being extended to a complete stranger. What did I offer in return? Incidentally, the answer is in the blog’s name: mediocrity.
The man schooling me is called Thom. Thom is one of the smartest people I will ever meet. Thom once was assigned to go to Jamaica where he would turn their one million dollars in yearly losses into one million dollars in yearly gain. Thom was so effective, he was criticized by the company executives for doing so good a job he made everyone look bad.
Thom was now assigned to display my flaws to me. I have never been so humbled in my life.
Leaving work to grab some Jim Beam before the ABC store closed. I thought it was okay because I didn’t count those as paid hours. Nevermind my halting work momentum to get booze. The frequency of my drinking. I thought it was okay because it was only evenings after work and I was getting up on time. Nevermind my sacrificing speed in the morning until my hangover cleared in lieu of some fun conversation with my coworker. Conversation that would be good in sobriety too. My constantly having headphones in at work. I thought it was okay because audiobooks help make the work more bearable. Nevermind my having to take out my headphones anytime something was conveyed to me, or the disconnect it produces from those I’m working around.
I thought, I thought, I thought. These were convenient thoughts to justify what I knew were actions I didn’t need to undertake, but simply wanted to. Actions the prevented me from displaying proper respect and appreciation for the kindness I was given. I am ashamed of my actions.
I was so thoroughly criticized, I’m still processing all the changes I need to make. I am physically drained at the realization of the complete breech of respect I carried out, justifying things away in my mind far too easily. I feel weak, exposed, and terrified.
I feel like I’m in the proper state for true, thorough, and honest introspection. I am forced to face flaws within me I didn’t even realize I was ignoring. They’ve been pulled from my core and displayed in front of me so that I cannot look away. I am facing a trial I thought would occur along my journey, but could not have possibly known how intimidating it is.
All because Thom was kind enough to tell me exactly how I failed. Respectfully so, I was not insulted or spoken down to. I was shown my flaws as they were, and was allowed to voice my perspective. A job, a home, and now an opportunity to become a better person overall. I have incurred yet another debt that I will never be able to pay back, and instead will have to pay it forward.
This walk is quite a trial indeed, and it is up to me to use this experience in improving myself as I intended when I left home.