Tag: dailylog

“Daily” log 7/23/2017

“Daily” log 7/23/2017

The last week or so has pretty much just been working and watching Netflix. I listened to Lawrence Krauss’s The Greatest Story Ever Told So Far and Doug Stanhope’s Digging Up Mother: A Love Story on audiobook, I highly recommend them both. Though I do recommend looking into Stanhope before reading, the book is as hilariously inappropriate and unrepentant as he is. With that being all I have to share about what I’ve been up to after a week of sharing nothing, I’m gonna provide another sentiment about my walk today.

Since I’ve started walking, and even a little bit before, people have been complimenting me on my walking across America. I know this sounds like a humblebrag, but kindly hear me out because I mostly disagree. I’ve been called brave and respectable purely on the knowledge of my carrying this out, but I think it’s a matter of perspective. I only see it as taking a different path, such as one choosing to go to college and another choosing to start a business. Also, I’ve only just begun. I haven’t done anything really impressive yet.

I was too afraid to go to college. Not that I think I’d fail, so much as my not wanting to hope I liked my path enough for all the debt to be worth it. It would all seem to boil down to that in one way or another; is the investment in any particular life choice going to pay off? Monetarily, flexibility, satisfaction in general. How can one tell in advance? How much risk is one willing to take?
For me, this walk doesn’t feel like much of a gamble. I’ve not traveled much and want to see more of the country. I’ll meet loads of people and become less intimidated by social interaction. I’m not in debt, in a lease, making car payments, in a relationship, etc. I didn’t leave behind a prestigious job with a good future to do this. I began to dread my lifestyle, and made the decision to do something that sounded exciting and difficult. It seemed an easy decision between continuing to hate most of my days and actually living.

It’s not lost on me how naive my decision is. I don’t have much experience in camping or hiking, the plethora of chaotic elements throws most planning out the window, I’m a 23 year old with no intuitive concept of my own mortality, etc. It was choosing between stability that emotionally drained me and the adventure of a lifetime as far as I was concerned.

Most people who seem reach that proverbial crossroad and choose stability, despite how their soul tries to pull them the other way. They know they’re unhappy, that the very thought of this crazy dream gives them the energy to get through tough days, and choose to continue dreaming instead of pursuing. That’s a foolhardy decision if ever I heard one.

Around the time I chose to walk across America, I remember fantasizing about it. The sights to be seen and experiences to be had. Wiping down surgical trays and imagining lying in a field far enough from light pollution to get a remarkable view of the stars. I wanted that as badly as I despaired my not doing it. My dread began to feel like the onset to regret and long term disappointment, and I knew I had to do something.

It doesn’t feel brave to choose this experience over the path I was headed. Playing it safe didn’t seem to get me anywhere, and produced no good stories. William Wallace had once said, “Every man dies, but not every man really lives.” I have simply chosen to live.

Spent 7/11/2017

Spent 7/11/2017

Another day feeling really low energy for some reason. I don’t feel sad or anything, just like I want to watch Netflix in bed all day. Well, maybe not wanting to as much as only having the energy for it. Ended up forcing myself over to Aroma’s around 11:30 am just to get out and try writing something, and this is what I’ve got. It’s 12:30 by the way

I wish these days didnt seem to come out of the blue, especially when I finally have some days off to explore around Williamsburg. Maybe I’ll wander around answering Google Maps questions on whether or not stores are open at 3pm on Sundays or something.

5pm update: So it’s supposed to be highs of 98°F until Friday. The weather app just displays suns with exclaimation points in the center. On friday, stormy at 96°F. I am upset.

Life lesson 7/9/2017

Life lesson 7/9/2017

This past week has turned out to be an accumulation to a life lesson. Where I thought I was just cranking out some hours, I was being more closely observed than someone just making sure work was getting done. Instances of my disrespect were being noted in order to powerfully convey their implications right to my core. I was invited to dinner last night where I proceeded to get schooled.

I failed, plain and simple. A roof over my head at no cost, steady work, flexible hours. All of this is above and beyond for an offer being extended to a complete stranger. What did I offer in return? Incidentally, the answer is in the blog’s name: mediocrity.

The man schooling me is called Thom. Thom is one of the smartest people I will ever meet. Thom once was assigned to go to Jamaica where he would turn their one million dollars in yearly losses into one million dollars in yearly gain. Thom was so effective, he was criticized by the company executives for doing so good a job he made everyone look bad.

Thom was now assigned to display my flaws to me. I have never been so humbled in my life.

Leaving work to grab some Jim Beam before the ABC store closed. I thought it was okay because I didn’t count those as paid hours. Nevermind my halting work momentum to get booze. The frequency of my drinking. I thought it was okay because it was only evenings after work and I was getting up on time. Nevermind my sacrificing speed in the morning until my hangover cleared in lieu of some fun conversation with my coworker. Conversation that would be good in sobriety too. My constantly having headphones in at work. I thought it was okay because audiobooks help make the work more bearable. Nevermind my having to take out my headphones anytime something was conveyed to me, or the disconnect it produces from those I’m working around.

I thought, I thought, I thought. These were convenient thoughts to justify what I knew were actions I didn’t need to undertake, but simply wanted to. Actions the prevented me from displaying proper respect and appreciation for the kindness I was given. I am ashamed of my actions.

I was so thoroughly criticized, I’m still processing all the changes I need to make. I am physically drained at the realization of the complete breech of respect I carried out, justifying things away in my mind far too easily. I feel weak, exposed, and terrified.

I feel like I’m in the proper state for true, thorough, and honest introspection. I am forced to face flaws within me I didn’t even realize I was ignoring. They’ve been pulled from my core and displayed in front of me so that I cannot look away. I am facing a trial I thought would occur along my journey, but could not have possibly known how intimidating it is.

All because Thom was kind enough to tell me exactly how I failed. Respectfully so, I was not insulted or spoken down to. I was shown my flaws as they were, and was allowed to voice my perspective. A job, a home, and now an opportunity to become a better person overall. I have incurred yet another debt that I will never be able to pay back, and instead will have to pay it forward.

This walk is quite a trial indeed, and it is up to me to use this experience in improving myself as I intended when I left home.

Daily log 7/4/2017

Daily log 7/4/2017

All the interesting stuff going down today is happening too late to write about, so here’s a random thought I wrote out the other day:

I love when there’s complete cloud cover during the day, when they’re as high as can be. In their being so high, they almost look stationary. Like a ceiling for Earth itself. I sometimes get the intuition that I can reach up and place my hand flat on the cloud cover, as if it were right in front of me.

It’s difficult to describe, but for an instant I feel like I’m in a lucid dream. Like I will touch the sky and look back down to see a landscape akin to a tilt shifted photograph. The now tiny structures and trees, the once-moving miniature cars and people now still. My peripheral is blurry, but the foreground vibrant.

I don’t know why I get that brief-yet-specific impression, but it always feels numinous, so unreal. So beautiful.