Today I stumbled upon this video scrolling through my Facebook feed. This one hit me harder than anything I’ve seen in quite a while. Most of it was interesting, but it’s the last 20 seconds or so that really hit me hard. Around 10m10s in you see this (the picture isn’t much on its own, I recommend viewing the video):
This sequence punched me right in the gut. This is the best depiction I’ve seen of the sensation one gets when holding close someone very dear to the heart; the melting away of all troubles such a warm embrace. I was simultaneously reminded if that amazing feeling and the reality of the months that have passed since I last felt it.
I remembered walking in on my ex cheating on me with my former friend. Returning to my room and sitting on my couch almost in a state of derealization. Her sitting beside me, weeping and holding my arm asking for forgiveness. My sitting limply and staring ahead at nothing, my vision clouded in tears. The knowing I was going to be alone, and I was going to be miserable.
I teared up as my heart jumped into my throat. I felt this all in the span of 15 seconds or so, though the description makes it seem longer. For a few moments I was overwhelmed in the despondency of the lonely path I’ve chosen to take. I’ve long since drifted from most of my friends, and only recently truly let go of my last relationship. I sat bent forward and head hanging for those moments until the feeling passed.
Once I was no longer overwhelmed, the reality of what I’m doing returned. The memory of the day my brother showed me that this walk was possible, the moment I knew I was to undertake this task returned. I remembered feeling my troubles melt away. But for the first time in my life, that feeling came from within myself. This was the day I began to establish happiness from myself instead of through outside sources. It was as if I used to see things in black and white unless I was holding my girlfriend to let the color in, and then learning to produce the color from my within.
It’s easy to forget your goals when times get rough. It’s easy to consider letting go of a source of struggle when you established that source for self improvement purposes. In these moments it is invaluable to remember your process, your purpose, and your goals so you don’t take on short-term comfort at the cost of long term happiness. Keep on fighting for a better you, a better life, and a better world to live in.