A rainy day on the farm seems to be spelling out a slow day, so I want to share one reason of many for my walk: to be someone worth emulating. I know it sounds just a tad conceited, but kindly hear me out. I’ve always looked up to many people on many levels. Whether a friend of a friend who seemed a respectable person or a famous intellectual like Neil deGrasse Tyson, I just wanted to be better. Better as I perceived them to be.
Always researching, always observing. “That person really seems to have their life together, what of their behavior can I integrate into me to better myself? How can I find something to be passionate enough about to be like the experts on the Joe Rogan Experience, so full of knowledge, energy, and great stories?” Somehow it was lost on me that I was trying to figure all this out from my computer chair, and often in the middle of games I’m playing while listening to the aforementioned podcast.
Just imagine a 20-year-old dude glued to Lord of the Rings Online, calculating out the exact number of hides he needs to level up his tailoring skills and thinking to himself, “How can I be truly great?” Some readers may not even need to imagine it, but instead recall all the times they saw me at the screen for hours.
One thing I think I did right though; in my attempts to distract myself from the mediocrity I had enshrouded myself in, I was taken in by listening to these great people, talking about amazing things. Their world travels, what produced serenity and excitement for them, their lessons from their professions. I studied remarkable properties of the universe, patterns in people that tended to produce more satisfaction in life.
This worked so well to distract me that I had listened to almost countless hundreds of hours of everything before it finally hit me:
All this time I’ve just been consuming knowledge of little universal profundities and the experiences of great people instead of making my own way to greatness. I need to be the people I’m looking up to. I need to love life as I had only loved others in the past, instead of just accepting things as they passed me by.
In a way, my marriage to life was in shambles and I was just letting it be that way. I needed to light the fire again, to be okay being alone. After all, if I’m unhappy with myself, how can I properly love a significant-other-to-be? I don’t know who they are yet, but they deserve better.